Heyo.. I feel really ashamed writing and asking this, but if I were to make a commission opening post, or a pack of YCHs, and asked for a repost, could you help me with that?The thing is, my mental state has been deteriorating lately. My PTSD has decided to rob me of normal sleep and plague me with nightmares. To make matters worse (CW: severe trauma, sexual assault, child abuse), I’ve been having recurring nightmares where I’m a witness. It’s as if my stepfather—who brutally raped me both anally and vaginally when I was only 7 years old, and used to choke me—is still alive.In the dream, it’s like I’m watching what he did to me as a child from the sidelines, but the girl isn't me, she’s a small, blonde girl in a white dress. When he was alive, he used to stalk and follow me everywhere, and in the dream, it’s the same—he tracks me down, finds where I live, and brings this little girl like she’s his "girlfriend." He mocks me and does these things to her right in front of me on purpose. I start screaming that I’ll kill him, telling him to get out of my house, but it doesn't work. It’s incredibly painful, and now I’m afraid to sleep.I’ve developed this aggression that’s eating me alive, and I’m having terrible struggles with social interaction and my overall state. It’s gotten to the point where I’m genuinely terrified to even step outside. I’m forcing myself to start a new job right now because I need the money, but my paycheck won't come until next month and it won’t be for a full month anyway. I urgently need to see a psychiatrist because I don’t think I can endure this state much longer.I can't imagine how I’ll manage a new, unfamiliar job like this. At my previous job, at least my colleagues knew that I can't control certain physical movements, so they were patient. One coworker even knew my whole life story: my father leaving, the arrival of the stepfather who raped and manipulated me, his death in a car accident, and then the war—being stuck in my occupied hometown for a year, isolated, under constant shelling, and finally being forced to relocate.I really want to find a psychiatrist who speaks my native language, because I lose the ability to speak other languages when I'm under extreme stress. If needed, I can provide all medical reports and proof after I reach out to them P.S. Please, do not offer donations. I take money very seriously and feel a profound sense of discomfort when I receive financial help without being able to provide a service or something in return. The only time I accepted a large amount of donations was when I was trying to escape the occupation, it cost a lot of money, and another artist helped me organize a fundraiser because my connection was poor or non-existent.I am still incredibly grateful to everyone because that was the only way I could get out, but for some reason, I still feel intense guilt and discomfort. I don't know all those people, and I don't know how to thank everyone properly. Accepting money for nothing makes me spiral into severe panic attacks and feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility that I can't handle right now.If you don't have enough for a full commission but still want to help, I can offer a sketch for any amount (pay-what-you-want).